Four straightforward steps to a friction-free plan

The problem with many wills is that they open more questions than they answer.

• You want your house split between 3 kids - but who deals with the tenants?
• You want everyone to inherit the business, but what if two kids want to keep it and two want to sell?
• What if some of your kids get government benefits, and this kicks them over the edge, so they don’t qualify anymore?

So instead of running straight to your lawyer, figure out the practical components first, possibly with an accountant or advisor.
Think about things like:
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So you can treat everyone fairly, even if that doesn’t mean equally.

Now that all decisions are made, it’s time to:

• Get an estate lawyer to draw it up for legal validity
• Have a rav who specializes in this area to review or amend it for halachic validity.

Why a rav? Because without halachic guidance, your legal will may conflict with halacha. For example, according to the strictest default halacha:
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• your oldest son gets double, so an even split may not be halachically binding”
• your daughters aren’t entitled to much, and may violate halacha by taking their portion following the will
• If a wife becomes a widow, according to halacha, she doesn’t inherit, her sons do. The civil law default is the opposite.

With second wives or stepchildren, the family dynamics get even more complex.

This is also the reason to work with an estate lawyer, as opposed to an online will preparation program. The programs available today don’t have the ability to deal with the nuances required by halacha.

Some good ideas you can incorporate to emphasize peace, and ensure your children have a way to deal with conflict.

1. Add a peace clause
Of course your children know you want them to get along and that you value peace. At least, inside they do.

But in the moment, they’re vulnerable, emotions are intense, and it’s hard to see clearly. Often there’s also that one child who finds it hard to give way. A clause stating that peace comes before anything else puts things into clear perspective.

2. Consider appointing trustees
Sometimes wills need to be recalibrated. Circumstances and economic realities can change, but the person is not always in a position to modify it on his own.

Having two trustees with the power to change the will spreads the responsibility, and provides a balancing factor where it won’t seem that one person had too much influence.

It’s also advisable to have this be the oldest child (for shalom reasons), rather than a second child.

If the trustee will have to make hard decisions or stand firm to pressure, consider having an outsider.

3. Designate a rav or trust arbiter
In case questions come up or things change down the line, it’s useful to have someone your children can turn to settle any disagreements.

This is a really hard step to take: to talk to your children, and tell them the plan.

Here’s why it’s worthwhile:
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1. Manage expectations
‍Often, a lot of unnecessary and preventable conflict happens when things are different to what’s expected.

Children who thought the estate value was bigger. Or their portion was more. They might assume that someone else in the family with more influence somehow cheated them or the estate — even when that’s absolutely not the case.

That can cause internal hard feelings, lack of closeness, friction, or outright fighting.

Therefore, honest conversations or mentions about the size of the estate and who gets what means they won’t point fingers at each other, even if they’re not happy.

2. Give processing time
Shock and grief are not good emotions to mix. If the first time your children hear what your wishes were is after you’ve moved on, they’ll have to handle any surprises while they’re still mourning your loss.
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3. Clear away doubt
Once people have heard and seen the plan straight from you, they know nobody else influenced your decision.